"Will You Be My Bridesmaid" Dilemmas

So...you're Katherine Heigel in "27 Dresses." You are (or were) everyone's best friend. Throughout your life you kept in touch with your elementary school friends, high school friends, camp friends, sorority sisters, co-workers, kickball teammates, and you have a few sisters and some close cousins. When all your friends and family got married (going back as far as 10 years), you were the go-t0-girl. These friends NEEDED you try to hundred of dresses, walk down the aisle and hold their dress up while they peed. Before we get to the dilemma, we applaud you for your patience and dedication to your friends.

However, it’s finally your wedding (yay) and as you sit down to think about who you will ask to be your bridesmaids, you realize that:

1. you have way too many and it will be very uneven with your fiancés
2. you have way too many and 14 girls doing the matchy-matchy thing is tacky
3. you have way to many and a lot of these girls are no longer your close friends (or maybe you were never that close)

What do you do when you don't want to ask someone to be a bridesmaid, but you have already stood up in their wedding?

This is not an easy situation because ultimately someone’s feelings may get hurt. However, you know the personalities of each girl and you know who will be offended and who will understand. We think that if one of the girls who made you a bridesmaid still thinks you are best friends (even if you never were) and she will be very hurt if you do not ask her, its best for your own sanity to ask her to be your bridesmaid. She will be honored and probably be really helpful and appreciative. As you learn at a young age, sometimes it’s easier to do what is best for other people even though this wedding is about you and the choice of bridesmaids should be yours and only yours.

But...really...are there decisions that are ever really only yours?

On the other hand, there are those friends who would agree that you've grown apart and when you stood up for them your lives were in different places. Maybe she was a work friend and now you don't work in that office or maybe she was a sorority sister who got married right after college and now that she's moved away, you only speak once every few months. These are the types of girls who will likely understand that you are not as close anymore and they will appreciate just being invited to the wedding and watching you walk down the aisle.

Bridelines Overall Thoughts...

Be sensitive to your friend's feelings and not because it is the "nice friend" thing to do, but because sometimes when you do what you want (even when you are allowed to be selfish), it causes drama, tears and you'll end up having to deal with more stress than you would otherwise. If you really feel strongly about not asking someone, stick to your guns and although the friend might not be so happy on the offset, in the long run...if she’s a caring and mature friend…she should understand.

The Cost of Being Your Best Friend

Whoever said that watching your best friend marry the man of her dreams is “priceless” was definitely not a bridesmaid.

A bridesmaid’s role is to be the emotional rock for the bride and along with that, bridesmaids are expected to attend every wedding event, irrespective of cost.

Brides...we know your big day has been planned since age 6 when the only important bank was your piggy bank, but times have changed and your friends are not recession proof. In case you haven’t thought about bridesmaid's costs (of course you haven’t, you are too busy worrying about squeezing that money out of your father’s wallet for the dress/flowers/tablecloths of your dreams), we are here to share the financial burdens your best friends will endure.

Engagement Gift: $50
Brideliners say: In a recession, if you don’t have party, don’t expect tons of gifts. As your best friends, we will get you a thoughtful gift. Wine tasting? Scuba lessons? Dance lessons?

Dress: $300
Brideliners say: Please choose a color and cut we can wear again. No, not the color that has been your favorite since you were playing with Barbies. That color is for your flowers. The color of the bridesmaid dress is a color we can wear again…of course unless you pay!

Alterations: $80
Brideliners say: Choose a dress that comes in “typical store” sizes. Less alterations the better.

Shoes: $70
Brideliners say: Pick a solid color and a simple style/fabric we might already have in our closet. If the dress is long and you won’t see the shoe…who cares, let us wear flip flops!

Strapless bra/Spanx or Other Contraptions: $40
Brideliners say: Making us buy a contraption created to hide side fat, fix lopsided boobs or show cleavage is an added cost that we may never wear again. It might make us feel self-conscious or maybe we our proud of our not-so-perfect curves! Find a dress where these aren’t necessary!

Bridal Shower Gift: $50
Brideliners say: This is part of the wedding rules – we know, we know.

Destination Bachelorette Party:
Flight to Mexico, Miami, etc: $300
Dinner 2 nights: $160
Drinks at a club 2 nights: $100
Decorations and Bridal Games: $20
Brideliners say: We love you and we love dancing on bars, but ouch…our poor bank accounts!

Home Town Bach Party: $150
Brideliners say: Reasonable for a dinner and a fun night out with the girls.

Hair: $80
Brideliners say: Brides, make sure your bridesmaids don’t feel pressured to get their hair done. We all want to have pretty curls when we are walking down the aisle, but sometimes we just can't afford it.

Make-up/Eye Lashes: $70
Brideliners say: Same as above. We don’t want to be the only bridesmaid without the eye-lashes or pretty lip gloss. An idea is to treat us by paying for makeup (or a wedding day hair style) for our bridesmaid gift! We will greatly appreciate it.

Spray Tanning: $40
Brideliners say: Some of us are pale. Get over it!

Wedding Gift: $250
Brideliners say: Without a plus 1, maybe $100, but since you’re our best friend, we upped the amount. Also, because when its our turn, you will give us the same back!

**These costs don’t include travel money for out-of-town weddings, costs for contributing to bridal showers as well as other extras.**

Now, there are no strict obligations to pay all these costs, but as your bridesmaids, it is expected that we participate in all events. Many bridezillas get angry at their bridesmaids for not attending every single thing and the last thing we want to do is get on your bad side during this process. Ultimately of course, it is not about the cost, but sharing these special times with your best friend.

However brides…just stop and think about it next time you are debating asking your bridesmaids to buy special shoes/jewelry or get a spray tan, it costs over $1,000 to be your best friend.

Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind

As we go through various life events we are given rules how to best approach each situation. We are told the simple recipes for getting a date, landing a job, losing weight. We are told from a young age that if we follow these rules we are doing the “right” thing.

However, there are no rules for wedding events and what is right and wrong usually depends on the brides hormones…which for most brides has more highs and lows than Britney’s career.

Our readers have asked...
“My friend is having an out-of-town shower, do I have to attend?”
“The bachelorette party is really expensive, do I have to go?”
“My friend is having 2 engagement parties, do I have to attend both?”

While we cannot say that our opinions at Bridelines are the end all of bridal opinions (although we'd like to think they are), we will give you our best advice. If you are a bridesmaid, you are expected to conform to certain bridesmaid standards, i.e. attending events, pretending to be really excited for every single of them, being emotionally and mentally supportive of bridal decisions and creating an artistic hat made out of wrapping paper.

However, the economy is awful and many people are out of jobs. We don’t all live in the same states. We think brides need to understand that their friends love them and want to attend everything, but sometimes it’s just unrealistic and too expensive. Please do not get mad at your friends for not attending things—if they have a good reason. The wedding is a must…but maybe the only must. If your bridesmaids are flying in for a wedding and attending a bachelorette party, they should get a pass on the shower. Brides, we know you want your friends there, so maybe they can be there via Skype.

Bachelorette parties are usually more fun than showers (sorry moms), so if your bridesmaids are choosing one, we suggest choosing the bach party. However, people who aren’t in your wedding party should feel NO obligation to spend the money to attend. We can all agree that large groups of girls are loud and overwhelming and these events usually go over better when you don’t invite every female on your guest list.

Friends, a cute thing to do is to send something to the event if you cannot attend. Send a bottle of champagne to the bachelorette dinner. Send flowers to the bridal shower. It will only take 10 minutes out of your life, and will make the bride really happy and show her that you are thinking about her during these special moments.

Moral of the story is…there is no “right” thing to do. High expectations only cause let-downs. Brides, don’t start fights with your friends…you’ve got enough fighting to do with your fiancé over invitations and with your mother-in-law over flowers.

Everyone has their own opinion of proper wedding protocol, so use your best judgment. If you know the bride really wants you to attend her bachelorette party, try and find a way. If you can’t…you can’t. If you do not have good judgment (some people just don’t), you can always
email us and we will give you our best advice.

Bridelines will help you maintain your friendship and manage expectations during
all these crazy wedding events!

Please send in any other questions about what is proper wedding protocol…

Rehearsal Dinners - The Kickoff Event

It’s the day before your wedding and despite feeling anxious and nauseous, you prepare yourself for the biggest pre-game event of your life thus far…..the Rehearsal Dinner. Rehearsal Dinners are more like the kickoff to the wedding weekend than an actual chance to rehearse for the wedding. I mean, once you’ve seen one wedding you’ve seen them all….walk down the aisle, try not to trip and stand for an hour while vows are engaged and tears are shed. It’s not that complicated.

If rehearsal dinners are intended for people to rehearse getting drunk for the actual event, then I think we have succeeded. We have seen more drunk people at events leading up to the wedding than at the actual wedding.

Traditionally, the pre wedding dinner is a chance for the groom’s parents to throw a party for the betrothed and their closest friends and families. But often times the event becomes too large and overdone, making the wedding almost anticlimactic. If you are having a big wedding you do not need a pre party the size of Madonna’s pre-Oscar party. Of course you need to do something, especially for out of town guests and your bridal party, but it does not need to include the entire guest list. Do you really want your friends already exhausted by the time you say ‘I do’?

The most successful rehearsal dinners are the ones which are small, understated and end early. As the bride you want to make sure that you are in bed early the night before (even if you stay up watching reruns of John and Kate Plus 8 because you can’t sleep). Do not for one second consider ‘going out after’ the party. We don’t need to tell you why that’s a bad idea.

Enjoy your Rehearsal Dinner; listen to your friends give speeches about you, have a glass of wine, eat the food (because you won’t at the wedding) and then say goodnight….and go home! Enough said!!!

Wedding Guests: Who Gets a Plus 1?

Whether to invite friends with a plus 1 can become a very uncomfortable situation.

As the bride/groom, you are trying to manage costs wherever you can and inviting your single friend with a date usually doesn’t take precedent over adding extra dessert (although maybe it should because fyi...no one eats the dessert). There are no set rules when it comes to the plus 1 issue, but there are a variety of situations that should be considered.

Regardless, you are bound to have one friend that gets upset, so when this happens, remember Bridelines told you so.

If you are a bride/groom on a budget, you may want to make a rule that you are only inviting guests with dates who are married, engaged or you may want to stretch it to people living together.

Usually, brides/grooms invite those with dates who have a “serious” significant others. Serious, however, can be as difficult to interpret as Paula Abdul's American Idol comments. We all know those girls who think they have a boyfriend when they really don’t. Just because he writes you cute texts doesn't mean he is your boyfriend! If a guy is going to get awkward when you ask him to come to the wedding, you aren’t serious and maybe this is your wakeup call to move on.

Some very generous brides invite their whole bridal party with dates or invite many of their single friends with dates. It is necessary to invite a friend with a date when she is the only single friend in a group. Or in the case of a New Years Eve wedding, everyone should have the option to bring a date - this we know from personal experience! We think the best thing to do is to tell your close single friends that if they have someone they want to bring and have been dating, to inform you. This does not mean single girls should go on a man-hunt to find a date and please don’t hire a escort.

All the Single Ladies:

Remember this isn’t sorority formal. Dates aren’t necessary. Bringing someone (even when he is your serious boyfriend) requires you to be responsible for him and pay attention to him. You cannot run off with your girlfriends when you have a plus 1. Also, when you bring a date, you are blocking yourself from meeting other eligible bachelors.

Personally, we think weddings are fun when you go without a date. You get to spend time with your girlfriends and we all know a bride is happiest when she has all the attention. So, you and your friends can dance in a circle around the bride without having some guy watching over your shoulder.

What's your opinion on the plus 1 issue? Check out our survey on Bridelines.

A Toast To The Happy Couple

A best man once said…”I've heard that a best man speech should be as long as it takes for the groom to make love...so thanks everyone, enjoy the night”

Why is a best man speech usually so much funnier than a maid of honor speech?

And now that rehearsal dinners are the mandatory pre-game event, there are entire nights dedicated to men trumping women. With rehearsal dinners popping up as often as Internet photos of Adam Lambert, we thought it was important to inform women why their speeches are lacking the male pizazz. As women, we are bummed to make this sweeping generalization, but it is the truth.

The problem with many speeches by bridesmaids is that they are filled with cheesy quotes, off-beat rhymes or inside jokes. Cheesy quotes and poems were cute while you were making your Senior year collage, they were adorable for your sorority rush skit and are even still fitting for your parents anniversary gift.

However, listening to 6 girls alternating rhyming lines is even less enjoyable than that new Parks and Recreations show. Because a poem is made up of fragmented sentences, listening to it sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown (wah wah wah). If we actually do hear what you are saying, we can bet it goes something like “we have been friends for so many years, through the laughter and through the tears.” By the time you get to sentence 4, everyone in the room has already stopped listening and asked for 2 more shots to numb the pain.

If you think you are a good poem-writer, and you can have someone other than your mom verify this, then you might be an exception to this “please don’t torture us with a poem” rule. We consider ourselves exceptions to the “no poem” rule, but only because we practiced for many years at camp, writing multiple alma maters/cheers and receiving compliments for our writing. So if you can write a good poem, please stand up there alone and recite it, use some witty humor and speak very slowly.

If you aren’t funny, which, 60% of you probably aren’t, we suggest you just be sweet and nice. Being sweet and complementary goes a lot farther than corny. Tell one nice story about your friendship with the bride and say what a lovely couple she makes with the groom. Complement them and hand the microphone to someone funnier.

For everyone, funny or not, tell stories that everyone can relate to. Be general and do not tell inside jokes. If you want to tell the bride/groom inside jokes, save it for the wedding card – or any other time when you aren’t in front of 50 people. Don’t be too inappropriate, its awkward for the grandmas.

Lastly, a big no-no - do not make the speech a personal attack on the bride/groom if you happen to not be their biggest fan and do not bring up unpleasant situations from the couple’s past. Wedding Crashers was totally on point - “ the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a *small* thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha".

Before deciding to have a rehearsal dinner, you should really evaluate your bridal party’s speech-giving capabilities. It might be the difference between a great night and a snoozefest.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Bloomingdales and Williams Sonoma

We know you love to shop. So what could be better than shopping for things that other people are going to buy for you?

http://www.weddingchannel.com/ http://www.theknot.com/

If you’ve never heard these websites, you’ve been living in a hole. Over 91% of all to-be-weds register for gifts. Every couple that you know is registered at multiple stores that are all brought together in a stroke of genius by these wedding websites. Whether you register at Crate and Barrel, Bed Bath and Beyond or Tiffany’s, you can add each registry to weddingchannel.com or theknot.com for easy access and a comprehensive guide to all items that will fill your cabinets.

Be strategic and forward-thinking about what you want to purchase.

Doesn’t your mother still use her serving plates that she got off her registry? It is better to go in with a plan, or you will be shooting that ray gun at anything looking somewhat eye-catching and you’ll end up with things that you don’t even remember ordering. Pay attention to things that come in sets because when you think you’re registering for 4 wine goblets, you may in fact be registering for 4 sets of 8.

Make sure your bridal registry is varied, in cost and content.

These items are going to be purchased by people of all different ages and socio-economic status. Do not create a registry with every item costing more than $250. None of your friends are going to purchase those, and it simply just makes everyone uncomfortable. Not to mention, if you only spent $30 on your friend who got married last year, you can be sure, she will look back on her Excel wedding spreadsheet and spend the exact same amount on you.

Constantly update your registry.

People tend to get aggravated if they see that your registry is entirely purchased before you even get to your bridal shower. If you register right after you get engaged, expect that people will buy you engagement gifts. By the time the wedding day is here, often times there is nothing left for people to buy as wedding gifts, as they have already purchased you two gifts. Not only is this frustrating for your guests, but you will end up with random gifts that people purchase on their own.

Trust us, even though these people are invited to your wedding, it doesn’t mean you have anywhere near similar taste. How many ugly vases can a person have?

In fact, in you live in New York, you most likely don’t even have enough room to store any of the ugly stuff you get. Most of these gifts are probably ending up at your mother’s basement in Long Island anyway, so save her the trouble of being the storage facility of things unwanted.

Many of your close friends will be creative and buy you something you’d never get for yourself or pay for a fun activity for you to do with your fiancé. If there are certain gifts you want from your friends, give them hints. However, some of your less original friends will need the registry to fall back on. Don’t hold it against your friend if she is the last 7 plates in your set of 12.

Later this week, we will post a list of creative, cute and budget-friendly ideas for engagement gifts, exclusive of using the registry. Inclusive of using your brain and your friends personality.

Please post any good ideas you have or have used in the past!

Bride Guide

Brides,

Your friends truly do want to share in your happiness, but as with most things, there are certain topics whose details don’t need to be broadcast to the entire “Oprah-viewing” public. Your friends, or even your maid-oh-honor doesn't need the play-by-play of you and your mother-in-law in the boxing ring over flowers. Pink or yellow flowers; tall centerpieces or short? To be honest, your friends do not care about the flowers, in any size or color. However, there are plenty of wedding aspects your friends do care about and want to share with you, within reason. This wedding is still, and will always be about you, but you must remember only your life revolves around it.

Here is an opportunity for all you brides to share your stories with each other. What are you most excited about? How do you calm your nerves? How do you stay organized?

Who is better to talk about this with than other brides?

To Being Friends After Your I Do's
--Brideliners--