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Monday, May 4, 2009

Bridelines: The Male Perspective

While you are thinking about flowers, he is thinking about vodka...

“He’s just not that into you.” Why can't women ever be that honest? Women are constantly letting their friends down easy, with excuses or half-truths:

“He does like you, he’s just really busy with work”
“I do want to attend your 3rd bridal shower in New Jersey, I just might have to take care of my mother's dog”
“Spending a weekend with your bossy sisters and loud crazy college friends really sounds wonderful.”

As the type of friends who routinely serve as probono shrinks, we know what it’s like to give our girlfriends advice and we all know that sometimes its hurts to hear the real truth from a girlfriend. But…for some reason, it doesn’t hurt as much to hear the truth from a guy friend or someone else’s boyfriend. Here is the honest truth, from our very own male blogger.

The male perspective on what guys care about at weddings...

1. Hitting the Dance Floor: If you are in a relationship and your man wants to dance. Dance! Guys don’t always love to dance, but with enough shots of patron and a good cover of Beyonce’s “crazy in love” they will surely hit the floor. If you don’t dance, don’t be mad when they start freakin your friend on the dance floor!

2. Registries: I have a huge problem with registries now-a-days. I don’t have a problem spending money on you and your fiance, but I have a problem spending money on stuff that’s totally useless! Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean you need to register for 50 dollar salt shakers! You really want me to spend 80 dollars on two tea cups?? Do you think you hold fancy tea parties after you get married? Rather, are you hosting fancy dinner parties in your studio apartment? And $600 luggage? Has the 40 dollar suitcase you bought at Marshalls really been bringing down your lifestyle? Sometimes I actually feel bad buying you the salad bowl for $150 instead of giving you cash…or rather I am just embarrassed you want a $150 salad bowl!

3. Vows: My girlfriend once got mad that I arrived late to a wedding ceremony and missed the vows (mind you it was only because her parents picked me up late!). The wedding was of a friend of hers that I hardly knew and the groom whom I hardly like. But to be honest, I could care less about a couple’s vows. Those are vows you make to your spouse and really only matter to your spouse. And the couples that give their vows in Hebrew…well you can just wake me up when the cocktail hour starts…

4. Cocktail Hour: This is the ONLY thing that guys and guests alike ever really remember and/or talk about. I can tell you which cocktail hour had the best sushi, best martini bar and of course the best ice sculpture. I am a sucker for those things. Which got me thinking - You remember those ice luges we all use to throw our faces against at a frat party freshman year? Some frat boy would stand at the top and pour schnapps and vodka down the luge and you would get ultra wasted and have the “best night ever!” Can someone please have one of these at their wedding already?! **Sidenote: Last time I got down with an ice block I blacked out, had to be undressed, and threw up in my bed. Maybe this isn’t such a good wedding idea!**

5. Too Much Champagne: If you have the reputation for being an uber drunk, a wedding may be a great place to show your “skills.” However, don’t be that girl that passes out at the table and everyone starts taking pictures of. At 21 that was funny. At 24 you still had a small audience. After the age of 27, it’s just sad.

6. All the Single Ladies: I have been to several weddings as a single guy. Never did I find a plethora of single girls. However, there are ALWAYS a ton of single guys. If you are a single girl, then make it your job - no your mission to look smokin at weddings! Girls, there is no better place to meet a guy then at a wedding. It’s a black-tie, open bar for FREE. Remember to be friendly and talk to people! If you can’t strut your stuff, look hot and find a man at a wedding, you may need to reorganize your priorities.

7. Wedding Cake: As important as the cocktail hour is, the wedding cake is likely the most overrated and least remembered part of the wedding. NO ONE will remember how the cake tastes or really how beautiful it may or may not look. The only time people will remember the cake is if they were so bored and sober by dessert that viewing/tasting the cake was a focal point! Have your tiers, have the little statues on top, have some sugar flowers and call it a day. If it’s a choice between keeping some of the extra wedding money and getting full day spa treatments in Hawaii vs. adding two more tiers to the cake….I think the decision is pretty easy.

8. Skinny and Pale: I appreciate that brides and grooms lose weight for the weddings. You are in a ton of pics, you are on display and you want to look your best. I get it. But what I don’t get are the skinny brides that forget to get some COLOR for the wedding. Spray tan, go to Miami for a week, or hit up the tanning bed. White looks GREAT with a tan. Pale looks terrible with everything!

9. Sunday Weddings: I don’t really get it. No, I DO UNDERSTAND why you have them. It’s a lot cheaper…I get that. But really, is it worth the extra money on the flowers to give up a Saturday night wedding? Your guests are never going to have that much fun because they have work Monday and can’t get trashed. And most likely everyone is going to be tired from the weekend. So instead, I suggest you just take the money you would have spent on a wedding, fly your family and close friends to the greek isles, and have a sunset wedding on a cliff. And feel free to exchange your vows in Hebrew..because I won’t be there to care!

We conclude with some Do’s and Don’ts

DO have a great brunch Sunday. We all dropped a ton of loot on you two. The least you can do is give us some good grub to fight off a post-wedding hangover.

DO get an objective opinion about your bridesmaid dresses. There are poor single girls in the wedding party that need to find a man. Teal and rhinestones aren’t gonna help their cause!

DON’T let your annoying relatives give 20 minute toasts at your wedding - there is no bigger buzz kill.

DON’T tell your boyfriend/husband how much he can or cannot drink at a wedding. Unlike girls, guys are hilariously entertaining when drunk and ALMOST passing out. **Brideliners tend to disagree, as we know some guys who are horrendously sloppy and not remotely entertaining when they are drunk**

DON’T hire a band that ONLY plays music your parent’s friends are going to dig. There is nothing worse than 3 hours of 1950’s rock and roll songs. **Check out the Brideline survey on the top right of the blog**

DON’T neglect having a bar in the room where the wedding is taking place. You lose half the wedding if the bar is in the other room.


Anonymous said...

I totally agree about the dancing thing! Fun dancing makes a wedding!

Anonymous said...

I don't agree about the pale thing -- I'm a redhead and getting 'tan' is unhealthy, and looks waaaaay too unnatural...

Anonymous said...

Pale looks a lot better than skin cancer, or a fake orange spray tan. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

The pale comment was pretty rude. Most people who are born pale look best pale- not with an obviously fake orangey tan. Would you ever dream of telling a black bride to get her skin lightened to "tan"??? Then why is it ok to tell pale people to darken their skin?

Jill Cohen and Lauren Mintz said...

Note - the male perspective is NOT consistent with the our Brideline opinion. We agree with our readers! In no way do we encourage tanning salons (of course, it's bad for you) and we also do not encourage orange patches on your hands and feet. We leave it up to the men to defend themselves...

Josh said...

The male perspective (returns): Who knew that "pale" fell under racial classifications?? Apparently the female, sorry the pale female population gets very defensive when talking about their skin tone and wedding dresses.

As a lifelong fan of redheads I in no way meant to make you feel bad, oppressed or segregated. My advice really just pertained to normal skin tones. I forget that you ladies are sensitive and I should have taken your natural born pigment into consideration.

HOWEVER, I once knew this heinous red head/pale girl (apologize to all heinous girls..i gotta cover myself now) and she got a GOOD (not some cheap shit) spray tan and guess what..she was no longer heinous! Really just proving what a little color can do..

So girls I am not promoting skin cancer, racism or any other irrational reaction that may pop into your head. My comments are meant to provide a humorous/male perspective. Who knew that sense of humor was lost on the pale ;-)

The Destination Wedding Site ~ Suzanne said...

Great post! It's so fun to hear the male perspective on weddings ... I believe that for a guy there's not much to really enjoy but the music (possible dancing) and the drinking! LOL As much as we'd love for our men to LOVE weddings the way we do ... they just won't - they're not wired to! It's hard enough to get them to feel excited/romantic about our own wedding much less some distant friend or relative's. It was a fun read. *SmiLes* Suzanne